Gold
by Adorelo
Summary: - J/C angst - “They couldn't spend forever piecing together fragments of a love still falling apart.”


_AN: This is pure angst. Written primarily because I feel 'meh' but also because** Kaz** promised it'd help ease me back into writing after giving up on it for a while. I hope she's right. She also fixed all the errors in this, so mucho thanks to her. _

_Not too confident about this one as I'm using one of the most prolific writers in the world as a prompt and I'm writing a character I've never written before. I like to make things easy for myself, you see._

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"_All that glisters is not gold" - Taken from The Merchant of Venice, by William Shakespeare._

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_--Gold--_

_--By Adorelo--_

Cold.

The room was cold.

His eyes met hers and the pain behind them was almost unbearable.

_Almost. _

It started like this. A pitiful moment of weakness had sparked between them. They'd re-lighted their old flame and watched it grow, spread and set fire to everything around them as their relationship spiraled out of control. It'd been good at the start. Just like old times. But that was the penultimate factor: 'old times'. Time had passed and time had changed; they were no longer who the other remembered. No longer who they thought they were.

Jake had grown, changed; adapted to his life undercover in such an extreme way, he no longer knew how to function in reality. His very existence had become a lie, and telling the truth had become a distant memory - it'd been so long since he last did it, the thought of exposing the _real_ him filled him with fear. _If I stopped lying I'd just disappoint you_. Fear, mainly; fear of hurting her with himself.

She'd grown without him. When she was younger, naivety had convinced her that she needed him; that she'd be better off with a man to rely on. But, now? Now she wouldn't even consider such reliance. Calleigh Duquesne had learned to stand on her own two feet. On some level, maybe she _had_ wanted it to work. Or maybe she'd just wanted to retreat. Her romantic circumstances were less than clear in more then one area, but with Jake, things _were _clear. They'd followed their road once before and she could comfortably jump back on it without fear of the possibilities. She knew how he worked.

But that was the thing with them. They spent too long trying to convince themselves that there was something to work with, they didn't see the final strands rip away, leaving them dangling precariously over a pit of despair.

Their relationship had shone brightly at first, allowed them to believe there were still possibilities left to salvage from the wreck. But all that glistens is not gold, and the concept of that seemed lost with both sides fighting for different things. They couldn't spend forever piecing together fragments of a love still falling apart.

And she'd told him that. She'd explained it time and time, over and over, and he just didn't seem to get it. Fighting anger, she'd switched off the soft jazz music and turned to him, planning once again to try and remind him why they couldn't be together, why their relationship was a bomb waiting to explode.

His question beat her initiation.

"Is this because of Eric?" Jake asked, breaking into the silence that had encased them. The anger with which he spat the other man's name spoke his true feelings much louder than his question.

Calleigh took a breath, her tongue soothing dry lips before she spoke. "Jake, I told you I wouldn't lie to you." His eyes met hers then, the pain replaced momentarily by annoyance at her avoidance. "No," she finally said, "it has nothing to do with Eric." Jake scoffed then, his top lip curling into a sneer and she quickly added, "not really," to her comment before he had time to say a word.

"Not really?" His voice held sarcasm rather then intrigue. "So, what? It does or it doesn't, because I'm not really getting an answer from you, Calleigh!"

Rising before the anger at his tone could ignite a smart-assed remark, Calleigh crossed the room to the window, choosing to look out at the street rather than at the man before her. "What I mean is that I'd have made this decision regardless of Eric's presence in my life." And it wasn't quite a lie. Sure, if Eric wasn't around, maybe she'd be happy to settle for someone a little... a little what? What was Jake, really, in her life?

A comfort? Yes, there were times he came home, held her through the night and convinced her everything would be okay with the world, that she didn't need to worry about the little things because he'd have them covered. _Lies_. She'd needed it though, a reliable source or not, she'd needed some comfort.

A disappointment? Yes, most certainly. She couldn't count the number of occasions when his words, his promises had been lost, forgotten and broken into shards. She hadn't forgotten he'd done the same with her heart all those years ago. Thankfully, time had taught her to be more careful with it. She hadn't made the same mistakes this time, which was part of the reason she'd been content to restart the relationship.

"Eric... Eric's my best friend. And you..." She wasn't sure what she was trying to say, so she let the idle attempt fade away. "This just won't work. _We_ won't work," Calleigh finished, stubbornness radiating through every word. She was leaving no room for arguments; her mind had been made up.

"You know," Jake started with a sad chuckle, "it's your stubbornness and charm that made me fall in love with you." Her breath hitched, and if it wasn't for the awkward silence that the room held since she turned the music off, he wouldn't have caught it. Secretly pleased at her reaction, he rose, took the same path she had moments earlier and reached out a slightly hesitant hand to brush a strand of hair from her face, before he reiterated, "I love you, Calleigh."

And just like that, all prior views and arguments in her mind shut off. Jake's usual cockiness had gone, been replaced by a fear, a longing she'd never heard from him before. His hand shook almost imperceivably against her skin, and she couldn't stop her head from tilting ever-so-slightly into his touch. As his thumb trailed over her cheek bone, Calleigh let out a sigh. "I wish you hadn't said that."

Jake shrugged, his lips pouting together a little as he murmured, "but I do." He kissed her then, gently at first in case she pushed him away, but soon the desire became too strong to fight. His hands closed around her head, fingers wrapping into her hair as his lips descended against hers.

Hesitant.

That's what it was. At first, anyway, but when he felt her mouth surrender to his, a surge of confidence shot through him and he pulled her impossibly closer.

Moaning softly, Calleigh tried to summon her long lost faculties, tried to remind herself why this couldn't happen. "Jake," she tried, but was silenced by lips, soft, hot lips against her jaw. "We can't... this... We have..." Hands now, over her hips and across her back, tore her mind far from the point. It had to end; it just had to... but it felt _sofuckinggood_ that she couldn't bring herself to make him stop what he was doing. Desire rippled through her as his warm hands trailed over her sides.

He nuzzled into her neck, pressing soft kisses to her collar bone. "Don't end this," Jake whispered against her skin. "Please don't walk way from me." Her scent was overwhelming and he couldn't stop the words he'd never dream of saying from escaping. Couldn't fight the urge to tell her all the things he'd been too cocky to bother telling her before. "I need you, baby. Just... don't.." Moving so his forehead pressed against hers, brown eyes staring down at closed green ones, he begged her, "please don't walk away."

Moisture prickled the back of her eyes and she squeezed them tightly, refusing to allow tears to form, let alone fall. "We can't..." she whispered, letting the unfinished phrase hang in the air. She didn't need to say it, couldn't say it, and the pain she felt did little to reassure her she was making the right choice. "We're different people now, Jake. We'll hurt each other more than we already have." Still unsure if her clarification was meant for her own benefit or his, she opened her eyes, allowing herself a brief moment to drink in the sight of his eyes for the last time.

Then he nodded, took a step away and the sudden coldness that swept over her body physically knocked her back. Wrapping her arms around herself for warmth, she risked a glance up to his face. "We gonna be okay?" she asked awkwardly, not bothering to hide the hesitation behind her voice. Her hand found his, and she cursed herself for needing that reassurance, for not simply making things easier and waking away. She hated the sudden switch; primarily, the uncertainly that came with it. Why did he kiss her like that? To get her to stay? Was that all he'd miss? What about the admission of love...

Jake gave her hand a gentle squeeze and she shook her head clear of the confusion. "Don't expect me to become your best friend, Calleigh. I can't watch you..." His turn to fade away now, leaving the blatantly obvious unsaid. "But, call me... if you ever need anything... Or just to talk, you know?" He watched her smile slightly, nodding at his response, and he couldn't resist anymore. Tugging her hand gently, he pulled her closer, making his intentions fully clear as he moved to close the gap between their lips.

But she turned her head, made a stand and refused to allow the kiss to pass. It'd be too hard, for both of them, and she could barely stand to have his lips on her cheek, let alone her mouth. The worry of his true intentions still rang through her and she couldn't take another thought in her mind at that point. "Goodbye," she muttered, before he had a chance to remove them. Hostile, his eyes were hostile, and a little melancholic as they met hers, but she couldn't dwell on it, wouldn't dwell on it. Taking a small step back, she glanced to the door, marking the end of the night with a simple look.

Jake took the hint, grabbed his coat and turned to leave, managing to muster a quiet, "'bye," before he reached the door. He graced her with a final half-smile through the gap of the closing door, letting it drop just as it clicked to.

Calleigh stepped forward and locked it, as though cementing in her mind the very fact she'd spent the last few days contemplating: it was over. Done. One issue off her list of 'things to be sorted out'. Tomorrow, she'd look to the rest, but, for tonight, she'd allow herself a few moments of weakness, let herself mourn the loss of her first love for the second time. She'd let her mind work overtime in a vain attempt to process the events of the night, in an attempt at trying to work out what Jake really wanted from her. Would she ever truly know?

Tomorrow, tomorrow she'd shut it from her mind, smile her trademark smile and pretend the tears she'd cried the night before had never come. Pretend that all was well in the golden world of Calleigh Duquesne.

No one would know she'd fallen apart.

_-- Fin --  
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_-- August 28th, 2008 --_


End file.
